THE VILLAGE IDIOT DOES SHEPTON MALLET

Sunday 10th Feb 2008

Get to bed early 12.45am, so as to get a good night’s sleep ready for the early morning start. Set the alarm for 6.00am but at that time of the day even the normally superb BOSE radio sounds like a bloody demented female squawk box, and it’s still bloody DARK!!. The house is feeking freezing as the central heating doesn’t come on until 7.00am. (God, how I do miss getting up and having to go to work). I go down stairs and make a pot of earl grey check the e-mails and generally try and get things sorted out for the day (baccy, papers & lighter) oh yes and some money to spend, and then wait for Ray to arrive at 07.10 to pick me up.

  Ray arrives on time so I lock up and walk down my drive, Ray’s messing with the windscreen. I find out later he was spraying de-icer on it. I then decide to do a Torvill and Dean (with out Torvill) and put on an impromptu floor show for Ray and anyone else who is stupid enough to be about at that un-godly time of the day. And promptly go arse over tit on the icy drive. Ray appears to find me, on me arse sliding down the drive to meet him. Greets me with “alright mate what the fook are you up to?” ha ha. I’m on me arse saying FFS I haven’t even let the house yet, then notice one of my fingers has decided to spring a leek. Ray does his power medic bit and suggests I go and get a puncture repair outfit (sticky plaster) and try to fix the leak.

AH, I thought, the crafty bastard he wants me to go back in and then come out and do it all over again so this time he can watch a replay. (no way ho-say) But finally my two brain cells click in (one is entirely devoted to life support and the other one on the essentials of life like smoking, drinking, eating and sex! yea I can dream as well.) but finally I start to think more clearly and stupidly returns. So I go back indoors and fix the problem, this time managing to get to the bottom of my drive still upright. (Fecking result).